2004
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at Diary Part One - 2002
Go back to Diary Part Two - 2003
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forward to Diary Part Four - 2005
Go to Kessia's Home Page
For first time visitors, welcome to my journal. I started this diary in October 2002 as a means of keeping family and friends informed of Kessia's progress and how we were fairing. I continued recording my thoughts and emotions following Kessia's death. It's an intensely personal journey, but being able to write about it has been an extremely cathartic outlet for me.
Part Three
is the most recent addition. I've put entries in chronological order (unlike
Parts One and Two where the most recent update starts at the top of the page).
Thursday, 12 Feb 2004
It's hard to know where to start. Firstly, I guess that the last few months have been the hardest yet in many ways.
For me I think I have finally realised that Kessia isn't "lost". She won't be coming back from wherever it is I was hoping she'd be. I realise for the past year, I've spent much of my time looking for signs of her everywhere and only now I am beginning to understand or accept that I'm not going to find her, or find a sign that she is alive and well in Heaven. I just have to believe it if I want to keep going. It's like the finality of her death is beginning to sink in.
This understanding came to me as I was walking along a beach by myself recently: I wonder whether the lone butterfly darting past is Kessia. I strain to spot a dolphin, thinking it might be her. Does that seagull flying towards me have knowledge of my daughter? Is the wind against the waves trying to send me a message? If I look up and see a whale spouting now... no, NOW ... no, NOW!!... that's a sure sign from Kessia. I do this stuff to myself all the time.
But this time, I collapsed in the sand crying. I suddenly realised all my searching was in vain. I never was going to see Kessia again. I never was going to have someone or something magically deliver me a message to tell me she is happy and well in another world. No matter how hard I looked, no matter how long I searched, I would not find my darling girl. So I cried and cried for the first time in a very long time, finally accepting after 15 months that Kessia is never coming home.
And yet, even with that experience, I know I will always search for her... long for her... look for her.
Geoff and Josh have been dealing with Kessia's loss in different ways too. Josh seems to be processing her death on a completely different level and has asked more questions about Kessia's tumour, looked at her MRI scans to see pictures of her brain, and grilled us about when we'll die.
Because of all this, we've been struggling separately, each in our own way, and realise our grief exacerbates other feelings of tiredness, stress and everyday trials.. At times everything seems too hard. Which is the main reason why there has been long gaps in my updates, as well as keeping up with emails, etc. Notwithstanding that, my one major excuse is that we were without our computer (yet again) for most of that time, but the problem has now been dealt with (fingers crossed!).
So onto the update part of this entry...
Our second Christmas without Kessia was harder than last year, when our shock was still protecting us from feeling the full extent of her absence. Wishes for a happy new year felt hollow to us, but we smiled and wished others the same. On a positive side, we had our first socially active period since Kessia died with several family celebrations and Boxing Day and New Years Eve spent in the company of some wonderful friends.
In January we went away for almost three weeks - a week at Rainbow Cottage and time spent meandering home the back roads via the Snowy Mountains and south coast of New South Wales. It was a good holiday for us. Rainbow Cottage is looking great and we love visiting Ocean Grove and the new friends we've made there. In the Snowies, we took Josh to the town where Geoff was born and another where he spent his first two years. A highlight for Josh was visiting Ned Kelly country and seeing his far away sisters. We all relaxed with our final days at the beach and were sad to head home to reality.
For us, reality is returning to a life without Kessia. It always seems easier being away. Perhaps it's because of the day-to-day strain of remembering she is gone --- taking four plates out for dinner and remembering we need only three, getting one school bag ready instead of two --- and with each reminder, an overwhelming sense of disbelief and heartache threaten to undo us.
Over the holidays we finally succeeded in sorting through our garage. We moved into the house 18 mths ago, a week before Kessia was diagnosed while she was still recovering from the virus we thought she had. By the time Kessia was diagnosed, we hadn't had much chance to unpack hardly any of our household gear that had been in storage for the past three years when we were in Vanuatu, let alone our personal gear that came back with us.
It's taken us this long to be able to face unpacking and sifting through four years of accumulated treasures and junk. Mostly, it was Kessia's belongings that we found difficult to face. Boxes marked "Kessia's bedroom toys" or "Kessia's bedside table contents" were put to the side until we felt capable of dealing with them. It took us a long time, and several bouts of tears, to clear our way through the majority of boxes. And we found some precious treasures too --- locks of Kessia's hair... boxes of artwork we'd filed away over the years... scribbled notes saying "I love you Mum" or "For Dad" with a drawing or painted handprint... her favourite toys from when she was a toddler... her Barbie collection... drawings she did for Joshua.
I've cleared off a bookcase in our bedroom and put out some of Kessia's special mementoes and photos. It hurts that her life can be reduced to this. Still, we look at her things and smile as often as we feel sad. We try to surround ourselves with as many of Kessia's photos and belongings as possible. Rather than hold us back in our grieving, it helps us to remember our beautiful girl in all her glory.
February to April 2004
Well, I was wrong about our computer being fixed back in early February. For about four months it was in and out of the shop. During that time, I wasn't able to update our website and didn't keep up with my journal. But these are some of the events which marked those few months:
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So we tried to have a great family day. Joshua chose a very nice winery restaurant to take Geoff to and we had the most beautiful lunch, which Kessia would have enjoyed so much --- her love of eating out and her appreciation of good food and service was always something we really enjoyed about her. Nonetheless,
we had a special time together - Geoff, Josh, me and the bub - with a
special toast to Kessia. |
Kessia's Cottage funding approved 18 March. I had been wanting to write about our growing anticipation of getting funding from Ronald McDonald House Charities (RMHC) for several months, but didn't want to just in case it fell through. As with most achievements we've had with KessiaCare Foundation, this one too took a life of its own (though we do feel proud of achieving such a major funding coup in less than a year of having the cottage). It began last year when we were in the middle of actually buying the cottage in January 2003. We were on our way back to Canberra and happened to stop at McDonald's in Bateman's Bay where I picked up one of their leaflets. It mentioned Fiona Lodge --- RMHC's first beach house in the world, with exactly the same mission as we had in mind for our cottage. I contacted them to find out some basic information such as their occupancy rate, facilities provided, etc explaining we had the same idea for a cottage in Victoria. They invited us to Fiona Lodge's official opening day in March, so off we went not knowing quite sure what to expect. Well, Geoff and I ended up chatting with the CEO of RMHC, Malcolm Coutts, telling him all about our dreams for Kessia's Cottage. We also made contact with Jim and Rachel Johns who started up Fiona Lodge and who have since been wonderful supporters of Kessia's Cottage. With their help and enthusiasm, the thought of approaching RMHC for funding was born. When we started KessiaCare Foundation we had several guiding principles:
With those principles in mind, we thought we'd chase our dream. I put together an informal submission to RMHC with photos of the cottage and what we'd achieved to date. Soon after, we were excited that Malcolm came from Sydney to meet with us to discuss some ideas. In the meantime, we continued to do as much as we could to get the cottage up and running. It was around mid-year by then. In July we hosted several RMHC representatives at the cottage. They were all very positive, and from there, we were invited to submit a formal funding proposal in September. When Geoff and I decided to buy the cottage, we were so committed we invested our total savings in the property and knew it could take many years of fund-raising and hard work to be able to pay it off. But we also underestimated our own finances and there were several times we had to borrow money for us to get by ourselves. So we were desperate for funding! We were realistic enough to know that fundraising dollars are hard to come by --- there are so many charities and worthy causes all competing for funding, and we had just started up. We thought someone funding us around $50,000 would be a huge outcome. But in our discussions with RMHC we went for the whole kit and caboodle - be bold we told ourselves! So it was that eventually, after several months of waiting for meetings and getting our finances in order, we were greeted with the most fantastic news: RMHC and McDonald's Victorian Co-op agreed to a $350,000 funding package. The funding allows for Geoff, Andrew and I to be paid out the capital costs of purchasing and establishing the property, $25,000 for bathroom renovations to make them disabled-friendly, and an extra $10,000 for other improvements. RMHC is completely separate to McDonalds Australia, though McDonalds pays the administrative costs for RMHC. McDonald licensees support local charities in their region, mostly through special fundraising events such as McHappy Day and Helping Hands. So although RMHC supported the idea of funding Kessia's Cottage, the Victorian arm of McDonalds Australia had to give their agreement since it is the local licensees which will help raise funds for the ongoing costs of operating the cottage. Right now we are still in the middle of exchanging ownership of the cottage. Another success I had was finding a legal firm in Melbourne who would do the conveyancing free for us. Geoff and I are really looking forward to this next chapter of Kessia's Cottage. Together with my brother Andrew who has helped us enormously with the initial purchase and is one of the founding directors of our Foundation, we are excited about partnering with RMHC. It's a wonderful opportunity to learn about conducting "business" in the non-profit sector, and we really believe that this arrangement will ensure the long-term success of Kessia's Cottage since it no longer relies on just Geoff's and mine energy to keep it going. |
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On
the weekend, we had our family over to celebrate Kessia's birthday.
Last year we went to the Gold Coast since we generally find it easier
to be away, so this was the first family gathering for Kessia's birthday
without her. My sister Carol Ashcroft and her family took the opportunity to tell us they had wanted to do something special in Kessia's memory, and so had just paid for a family to have a holiday through the Make a Wish Foundation. And it just so happened that the family that received their wish have a boy with a brain tumour, and they were able to have a great time at the Gold Coast. |
Ciara's Birth, Easter Sunday, 11 April 2004
Most people will be wanting news of Ciara! And in true Chang-McConnell style, her story is eventful.
First I need to go back to the early days when Geoff and I were debating over whether we should have another child. We oscillated on a daily basis until one day a friend said, "Why don't you just start trying and see what happens..." Well, they were famous last words for us!
I immediately became pregnant in June 2003. The baby's due date was the week of Kessia's birthday. I really liked that idea, though Geoff wasn't sure how he felt about it. The first few weeks were marked by constant blood tests and ultrasounds (due to previous pregnancy complications I've had) and finally in Week 7 we saw the heartbeat of our little baby-in-the-making and breathed a big sigh of relief. But it was not to be. Two days later, at the end of our highly successful open day at Kessia's Cottage in Ocean Grove, I had a miscarriage. That was 16 July 2003.
I was devastated only in that I was so sure that baby was meant to be. I really thought that it being due so close to Kessia's birthday was a sure sign of fate, that it was one wonderful examples of the "circle of life".
But still, Geoff and I weren't greatly upset. We felt it may have been for the best and that we would wait another few months before trying again. But someone had a different idea. I know it sounds crazy, but if I was surprised about getting pregnant the month before, I was absolutely floored when I became pregnant immediately again. I mean, the closest Geoff and I had got was perhaps brushing past each other one day in the kitchen. I firmly believe Kessia was up in heaven saying, "Give my mum a baby!" So within days of my miscarriage, I was pregnant again.
This baby was due to be born on 21 May. My last day at work was 8 April, and on Friday 9 April --- Good Friday --- we drove up to Sydney. We had planned a weekend in Sydney for some months to take Josh to see The Lion King Musical on Easter Sunday. We arrived at our hotel and later that night, my membranes basically ruptured. I tried to ignore it at first, thinking, "No, it couldn't be..." and then a little while later hesitantly told Geoff. After a short period of freaking out, we talked it through. We thought the baby couldn't possibly be six weeks early and it couldn't possibly happen with us away from home - we didn't have anything with us, we didn't know what hospital to go to, we didn't even know which hospitals were maternity hospitals! We talked further and in the end, went with the most obvious choice: we decided to ignore it and hope it'd go away! That lasted about half an hour. The leak turned into a gush and I told Geoff I really had to go to hospital.
We arrived at Royal Prince Alfred Hospital around midnight where I was admitted for observation. Easter Saturday arrived and I still did not have any contractions. The consensus seemed to be that if I didn't go into spontaneous labour in the next 48 hrs the hospital would see about road ambulancing me back to Canberra, or if that wasn't "approved" than I would have to stay in Sydney. With my history of fast labours, they weren't willing to let us drive home.
The situation we faced seemed to be this: that we'd be in hospital for a few days at the very least, I'd miss seeing The Lion King (!!), Geoff could return to Canberra to sort out things we needed for the baby like a car capsule and clothes. We had absolutely nothing ready for the baby, not even a cot!
By the end of Saturday night we were exhausted. Nothing was happening on the contraction front and I was sure they would have to let us go home by Tuesday. Although my membranes had ruptured, it was apparently fine for me and the bub to go on like that for weeks. The prospect of waiting in limbo wasn't appealing. When I said goodnight to Geoff, my parting words were "I just want to get this over with!" (and added as a quick afterthought, "Just as long as it's safe for the bub to be born this early").
And soon after midnight the pangs started. I tried to ignore them but by 4am they were getting quite strong. At 6am I phoned Geoff and told him my labour had started. I couldn't lie down anymore so I started pacing and decided to have a hot shower. That was at 6.30am. Finally at 8am a nurse convinced me it was time to go to the labour ward. I had asked them to call Geoff soon after 7am and I had been waiting for him to arrive, but they hadn't passed back the message that the hotel car park didn't open until 8am, and that Geoff could catch a taxi over if I needed him. I was rather livid when I found that out later! In the meantime, the nurse was wanting me out. I said "I don't think I can move --- I need my husband!" but I managed (barely!) to be wheeled down to the labour ward where Geoff arrived some ten minutes later.
I remember thinking, "This isn't how it's supposed to be!" I wasn't in the birthing unit I had chosen. I didn't have any of the distractions I had planned for myself --- massage oils, my favourite music, nice drinks, etc. But what I did have was a photo of Kessia, and really, whenever I felt I was in a lot of pain, all I had to do was think of what she went through and my pain became pretty insignificant.
Two hours after arriving at the labour room, Ciara Skye Jasmin McConnell rushed into this world at 10.37am, catching us all by surprise. Because she came so unexpectedly, there was a bit of a mad rush when she appeared! The paediatric team who were on stand-by raced in and checked her immediately. It was some minutes before Geoff and I could stop crying long enough to ask whether it was a girl or boy.
Above: Ciara shortly after she was born.
Above: The boys enjoy time with their new girl. Josh loves Ciara gripping his finger.
Ciara's birth statistics:
Now
begins the list of our little miracles that accompanied Ciara's birth. Those
of you who have been following my journal know that I like to comment on moments
where I feel life coming full circle, and the stories below are a recognition
of such times.
[I've also added some photos of Ciara --- she's so cute and adorable I want to show her off to everyone!]
Left: Ciara having a bath, three days old. I love this photo
of Geoff's hand craddling most of her!
Right: Ciara in the special nursery being treated for jaundice, 4 days old.
Love those sunnies!
1.
Our guardian angel Bron Hudson
When Kessia was in hospital in Sydney, a very dear friend from Vanuatu, Bronwen, was in Sydney for a few weeks before leaving for Nepal. Bron loved our kids and they totally adored her in return. It was wonderful for us to have her positiveness with us for those few critical days in hospital with Kessia. She took Josh home for a night and came with us when we took the kids out of hospital for the day to Darling Harbour where they went bungey-jumping, had rides on the train and merry-go-round and visited the aquarium.
Well, 18 months later, we were back in Sydney and so was Bron! She had just returned from Nepal and we had arranged to have lunch on Saturday. Instead, she got a call at 10pm on Friday night asking if she'd be available to look after Josh in our hotel room in case we needed to go to hospital. Not only was she able to, but she lived only 15 mins away and had just that week gone to Royal Prince Alfred (RPA) Hospital with a friend of her's who is expecting. The hospital had a fantastic reputation as a maternity and children's hospital and was literally straight down the road and less than 10 mins from our hotel. Which in itself was a miracle for Sydney!
Bron and her fiance Ben had Josh from late Friday night. They took him to Darling Harbour on Saturday where he had a great time playing at the park and bungey jumping - just like he'd done with Bron 18 mths ago. Josh slept over with them that night and woke on Easter Sunday to a trail of easter eggs which he was so excited about. Knowing Josh was with someone he loved and who spoiled him so much was the best thing for us.
So my first "full circle story": Bron is like a wonderful guardian angel for us, especially for Joshua. She was with us when we were at Sydney Children's Hospital with Kessia and helped look after Josh, just before she left to work in Nepal. And 18 mths later, she arrived back from Nepal in time to help us immediately find a good hospital and look after Joshua again. And she was able to tell us about RPA because she'd been there just that week. And the hospital was just down the road, easy to get to and fantastic. And to complete the circle, my three older siblings were born at that hospital some forty years ago.
Above: The day after Ciara was born.
2. Ciara's health
Ciara was so healthy and robust for a six week preterm baby that the doctors questioned my dates. She was able to breast-feed immediately. She was able to breathe unassisted. She was able to maintain her own body temperature after a few hours. She bent a few hospital rules --- she was allowed to "room in" with me instead of go to the special nursery. The doctors said she was doing so well, they were treating her like a full term baby. When I took her to a breast-feeding clinic, the consultant watched her feed incredulously and declared her a "miracle". She announced to the others "This little one is six weeks early and she could teach you full termers a thing or two!!" She was discharged in record time. We were going to leave on Day 3 but she developed jaundice and had to be treated under the lamps for two days, so we left on Day 5 --- still pretty early.
We think Ciara's doing so well because she got some lessons from her big sister.
Above: First week at home
3. The timing and place of Ciara's birth
I believe Geoff and I were meant to have another child. I find it rather amazing that I became pregnant the first time we tried, but even more amazing that I became pregnant again within days of my miscarriage. I don't think that was physically possible, but putting that point aside for the moment, these are my thoughts about her birth:
Ciara is our gift from heaven!
I find the above examples of life moving in full circles pretty incredible. I know I read a lot into them and others would say they are merely coincidences. What ever they may be, I like the symbolism of them and see the hand of Fate trying to balance the scales of my life. Ciara was never meant to, or never will, replace Kessia, but the way she has come into the world helps me believe there is a God. And He likes symmetry.
Above: Geoff and Ciara at the lake; Josh and Ciara measuring up; Denise and Ciara taking a break at the zoo.
4. Joshua bonds wisth Ciara
When Josh first arrived at the hospital to meet Ciara, he didn't want to kiss her. He said she smelt funny. And she was covered in goopy stuff. When we asked if he wanted a cuddle he said no. He had been so enthusiastic about the baby and been so excited, we knew he just needed a little time to adjust.
When everyone else left the room, Josh asked to hold Ciara. We got him settled with Ciara on a pillow on his lap, and he gave her a kiss and spontaneously started to sing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" to her. It was a beautiful moment for Geoff and I. Geoff used to sing that song to Kessia when she was sick, and he also sang it by her graveside at her burial. For Josh to have thought of that song and sung it to Ciara was truly special.
It's now become his lullaby to her. Whenever Ciara makes the slightest peep, Joshua is by her side, singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" in a deep, serious voice. He keeps a little step-stool under her cot, pulls it out and stands atop it, peering down at her, singing his beautiful heart out to his baby sister that he loves so much.
His nightly prayer has become "Dear God, I pray Kessia is having a good time in heaven and that Ciara is having a good time in this world."
Left: Ciara meeting Aunty Carol, Katie, Chelsey and Jono. Right: Uncle Andrew meets Ciara at RPA.
5. Ciara's name
We chose Ciara's name ages ago. I chose "Ciara", Geoff
chose "Skye" and Josh chose "Jasmin". Ciara Skye Jasmin
McConnell, mostly to be known as
Ciara Skye.
I really loved the name "Ciara" but worried it sounded too similar to "Kessia", but in the end there was no other name that we liked as much. "Ciara" is an Irish name meaning "black" --- not very exciting. I was wanting her to have a very meaningful name. It was the only real disappointment I had about choosing her name.
Geoff loved the name "Skye". Nothing too meaningful in her name there either. Just pretty. And Josh really wanted her to be called Jasmin (from Princess Jasmin in Aladin) but was happy enough that we included it in her name.
As we were counting down the weeks towards the birth of our baby girl, Geoff came up with this analogy for Ciara's name (Geoff loves analogies). He said that when Ciara was old enough, we could explain to her that her name symbolised our moving from the darkness of despair (Ciara meaning "black") to the hope and light of a new life (Skye meaning "light of day").
Well, when we were in Sydney and my waters broke and Geoff and I were in the hotel room considering what we should do, we lay in bed and Geoff said, "Wouldn't it be amazing if she was born on Easter Sunday?" And then he explained: It was Good Friday, the "blackest" day of the Christian calander, and Easter Sunday was the greatest day of of life and rebirth. And so it was. Ciara Skye made rumblings on Good Friday and was born Easter Sunday.
Above: Ciara is small, but perfect.
6. Ciara is my catalyst
Now I know that sounds strange, but to explain: For me, the real miracle of Ciara's birth --- the timing of her birth --- is that she is reawakening many lost memories I had of my time with Kessia as a baby. One of the things I hate about myself is my memory, or my lack thereof. My memory is like a sieve, and it's been paining me that I struggle to remember Kessia at any time other than when she was sick, let alone from when she was a baby.
But Ciara is my catalyst. She makes my memories erupt, she speeds them up. When I'm doing something with her, it triggers a memory about Kessia. My memories are caught up in the seasons, the temperatures, how I dressed Kessia, my concerns for the cold, keeping her rugged up and warm, laying her on my T-shirt or dressing gown in the hope that my smell would help calm her --- all these wonderful snapshots of what I did with Kessia as a baby are coming back to me because I'm doing them with Ciara. And that is precious beyond compare --- to reclaim lost memories, because all I have of Kessia are my memories.
Friday, 11 June 2004
Josh and I were having a really close evening together. He was very tired after a long week and I knew he needed some TLC and attention, so we cuddled on the sofa for a while watching TV and then made brownies. As we chatted in the kitchen, I asked him questions like, "What would you like to do if you were on holiday?" and then later, "What would you like to do if you were with Kessia?" and he replied, "Bubble blowing!" and proceeded to show me how Kessia ran along with her bubble wand with a trail of bubbles flying behind her, like he had seen in a video of the two of them recently.
As I watched him showing me what Kessia was doing and saying,
I was overcome (yet again) by a deep sadness for Joshua and his immense loss.
I gathered him in my arms and said, "I'm so sorry you don't have your big
sister." And in reply he put his little arms around me and said, "That's
OK Mum. I'm sorry you don't have your lovely darling daughter."
Tuesday 10 August 2004
These updates are few and far between. I think back over the past two months and my minds a blur --- the ubiquitous sleepless nights of having a young bub, fitting in work and school and play, trying to keep on top of paperwork --- just the mundane things in life.
The bright spots: Watching Ciara's eyebrows and eyelashes grow! (She was born without them because she was 6 wks early). Seeing her get excited with Joshua and giving him "lick-kisses" which he loves! Ciara's smile starting to turn into a chuckle! Joshua's complete adoration of his baby sister! So many joys this little one has brought us.
A big bright spot was a short holiday up to the Gold Coast at the end of June. The highlights for Josh was staying at SeaWorld and also going to Movie World for the first time. He loved it! Geoff and I on the other hand found SeaWorld very emotional. We've had four holidays there before and so there were lots of memories of Kessia, but the hardest memories were from our last trip there for her Starlight Wish to pat the dolphins. That was the week before she died. So, lots of sad moments and tears as we thought of our last time there. And countless moments of wanting Kessia with us.
But the great part of our holiday was spending time with two different families, the Blackwells and Gibsons, who are our very dear friends from Vanuatu. Apart from being great friends, they both knew Kessia well, and so we have a history with them as a "whole" family, which we sometimes miss with our friends in Canberra who didn't know Kessia. We could just talk about her naturally and openly, which we do anyway, but they really understood.
Ciara was fantastic on the trip. She is a great baby --- Geoff and I are the ones that need a little help! We're getting too old for this baby thing! We took her to "baby sleep school" for four days because we were getting into bad habits of holding her for half the night because we're too soft in letting her cry a bit. But we were like that with Kessia and Josh too. Which is why we vowed not to let Ciara get that way! Kessia basically spent the first six months of her life snuggled up against either me or Geoff. Now that may sound like an exaggeration, but it's not! When she wasn't being held, she was in one of those baby pouches, with only short breaks for feeding, changes and baths. Now I look back and feel glad that we had so much holding time with her and that she slept in our room until she was 2 yrs old because I liked to have her close.
Ciara is uncannily similar to Kessia. I have deja vu all the time. It's really quite nice --- I like that she is similar to her big sister and I know Ciara will never feel that she lives in Kessia's shadow because we'll make sure that doesn't happen.
Kessia's Cottage is still happening in the background, with
the sale to RMHC due to be completed in the next month. The new association
formed to manage the cottage, Ocean Grove House Inc., met for the first time
last month with eleven members. We are thrilled by the increased energy, responsibility
and potential this new partnership presents. Geoff and I feel Kessia's Cottage
will be in good hands and will go on to do great things.
Sunday, 17 October 2004
An update on Joshua:
Yesterday, Fox (Josh) was home "sick" with the sniffles. In the morning, he got into bed with me just as Ciara was rousing. So off he went to read her a story. I smiled as I listened to them on the baby monitor, Josh reading and then playing with her, winding up her musical mobile and talking to her and teaching her little things. "Look Ciara, this is the colour blue." And then it went quiet. Just as I was about to investigate, Fox came proudly in holding Ciara who he had got out of the cot by kneeling on a chair very carefully, so he told me. I was palpitating at the thought! So that has been sorted out now --- a job for adults only, but what a caring big brother we said!
During the day, Fox and I sorted through lots of paperwork and artwork that had backlogged over the year. We opened one of the boxes to find a photo of Kessia and I at my sister's wedding taken EXACTLY two years ago to the day, sitting right on top of all the mess. I'm knelling next to Kessia, who is in her wheelchair, dressed in all her new finery. She was very excited about the wedding. She wore a lovely pink silk dress with a blue jacket, white stockings and pretty sandals. We had plaited her hair a few days earlier and brushed it out for the wedding, to make it all wavy, and she had a pink fluffy band in it. She had proudly tried on the outfit a few days earlier, when she was still able to stumble down the corridor to give us a little "fashion show". She looked so beautiful.
I often wonder whether those little things are coincidences or Kessia giving me a little reminder of her being with us still.
Another find: A journal I started keeping in Port Vila of funny things the kids did or said. Sadly, I had only filled out a few pages. Kessia was six then. One little anecdote I wrote down: We were driving past a bus stop when Kessia yelled out the window to the people waiting, "Don't worry, a bus will be here soon!!"
Friday, 5 November 2004
This has turned into a very long entry and covers a lot of ground from September through to the second anniversary of Kessia's death, which follows at the end.
An update on Ciara
A few people have asked for photos of Ciara. She is now 6 months old, adorable, cute, contented and beautiful. Here is a little of what we've been doing these past few months and how Ciara has been growing.
Ciara with me on my birthday, 23 Sept. We all had the day off and I started the day with a "special treat" from Josh --- a surprise McDonald's breakfast at home!! Josh gave me a lovely candle which we took out to Kessia's Garde, which was then followed by a sumptuous afternoon tea at the Hyatt. It was hard celebrating yet another milestone without Kessia, but the boys made it a great day for me. And Ciara certainly helped too! Ciara is 5 mths here. Her eyebrows and eyelashes are now fully grown -- she was born with only faint eyebrows and no eyelashes. Her eyebrows are exactly like Kessia's with a reddish tinge at the ends --- a throw-back to Geoff's Scottish blood we think! |
Here's Geoff with Ciara while I'm most likely helping myself to the 5th plateful of yummy cakes at afternoon tea. Aren't they gorgeous. |
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Ciara is now 6 1/2 months and rolling over and starting to push off into a crawling position. She manages to get around quite a bit, as we discovered when we put her on a rug and found her under the coffee table on my birthday! Ciara is such a happy, contented baby. She rarely cries, and laughs lots, mostly at Josh. |
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Here are some other photos taken in August, when Ciara was 4 months old and looking so gorgeous. |
Ciara and Geoff have lots of fun together. Here they are in the bathroom watching Josh have a bath. Ciara too loves her baths and isn't adverse to the odd shower. She loves to splash and kick about, and she especially loves her massages with Geoff afterwards when she's all fresh. |
Here's another photo I like of Geoff and Ciara. She was 5 mths old in this photo. |
Josh is the brightest star in Ciara's sky. They have a bond which is already unique and strong. Ciara is the first person to get kissed and hugged by Josh - always! He loves to hold her and is proud of now being able to pick her up. |
One night when Geoff was out and I had both of them on the couch, Ciara woke up, watched Josh and then just started laughing. That's how it is with them all the time. Josh makes Ciara laugh and wriggle with joy. He looks forward to Ciara waking up so he can hop in her cot and read her a story (above) But Josh does notice the other side to having a baby in the house. The other day he said, "I was really looking forward to having a baby sister, but I didn't realise what a lot of work she'd be!" |
About September 2004
While looking at photos today, I was struck by a few photos we had taken on our trip to the RMHC conference to the Gold Coast in September. We stayed at the Mecure Resort which was just two hotels down from the conference.
The last time we were at the Mecure was December 2001, on a trip home for Christmas from Vanuatu. The kids loved it, particularly Kessia. She was 6 1/2 then and old enough to enjoy Kids Club and that style of holiday. Josh was just 4 yrs old and too young for Kids Club that trip, but this time he was 6 1/2 and had a ball!
We took Ciara with us during the day to the conference, and she was the darling of the three days, with many hands ready to hold her during break times. Everyone marvelled at how adorable and quiet she was, and she became the unofficial mascot of the conference. It felt odd going from one world - the conference... the real world... our present... - into another - the Mecure - and our sense of reliving our time there with Kessia, which made it feel like a different time and place.
There were quite a few times Geoff and I got teary, mostly at unexpected little things, like taking Josh to Kids Club and the flood of memories that brought. Or of watching Josh play in the pool. Or going to the restaurant for breakfast. Or walking down the same pathway I last walked with Kessia.
And then when I looked through the photos, I was struck by the similarities. Josh the same age as Kessia, doing the same things. Here are some of them.
December 2001 |
September 2004 |
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Kessia and her great friend from Vanuatu, Christiane, who came to visit us for the day at the resort. |
Joshua with a friend he made at Kids Club, Cheyenne. They had planned to meet at the pool the next day and gave each other lots of hugs. |
A mum and daughter shot by the poolside. |
This was the only photo I did ask Geoff to take because I remembered having one with Kessia by the poolside the last time we were at the hotel. |
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About Wednesday, 3 November 2004
Who would have known we could survive two years without Kessia? Surely not us. And yet, here we are --- different people, leading a different life to what we could have ever imagined.
As I write this on 7 Nov, I look back on the past two years and think about how our lives have changed. I am only just beginning to realise the sheer breadth and impact of Kessia's absence. The speed with which our lives were upended added to the shock which I feel is only now beginning to lift. I look back and barely understand how in the space of six months our lives could change so dramatically.
In May 2002 we were living life well. We were happy. We had good friends, The kids were thriving. We felt we were getting on top of our finances. We were living in a tropical island paradise and every weekend was a holiday. We felt we pretty much had it all.
Six months later, all that had ended. Kessia ended, and with her, the life that we knew.
Now two years later, we are coming to know the people we have become. Geoff and I. Different people to who we once were. Bereaved parents. We have a different value system, a different perspective on life, different friends. But we also have a different future. A new future. We are again a family of four, in person at least. Joshua and Ciara will carve out the road ahead for us in many ways, and Geoff and I will strive to make it the best journey we possibly can for all our sakes. And along the way, I feel Kessia guides us and pushes us forward.
This week has been a quietly reflective one. I've thought about Kessia's death, about Kessia laughing and swimming, about our family and friends that supported us during her illness, about Joshua and his loss. I've questioned how I've managed to live without Kessia. It seems like a physical impossibility at times --- "Live without Kessia? I may as well stop breathing now," I say in my mind, but live we have.
Reflecting on our lives was exacerbated by my recent 20th highschool reunion, an event which made me evaluate many things about my life since school. My greates achievement has been my children. My greatest success, after marrying Geoff, is KessiaCare Foundation. I've questioned whether we have the energy to continue with the Foundation. That perhaps achieving Kessia's Cottage is enough. But Geoff sticks to our motto of "One day at a time". Selfishly at times I feel we should focus on our own needs and get ourselves out of the financial pit we're in. I hate that Kessia's death is the reason for it because I start thinking things like, "If Kessia hadn't died then we'd still have our house". (We sold it when Kessia was sick thinking we could buy her a miracle... that there would be a doctor somewhere who could fix her... ) I feel like screaming at myself, "Forget about the house!! If Kessia hadn't died, we'd still have KESSIA!!!" But it's hard not to follow those thoughts through at times... to dream about what our life would have been like if none of this had happened, if we still had Kessia...
In the lead up to the second anniversary of Kessia's death we talked with Josh about special ways of remembering her. We asked him if we should call the day a special name, since I didn't particularly like calling it "Kessia's anniversary" or "the anniversary of Kessia's death". Josh decided we should call it Sad Day. Nice and simple. He then decided on Kessia's Dead Day. Hmm, we thought but agreed it was a good name. Lastly, he decided on Kessia's Sad Day.
So in true Chang-McConnell style, where it always takes us a week to celebrate special events, we started Kessia's Sad Week by having a family picnic out at Kessia's Garden on Saturday 30th Oct. Our family has been the main constant in our lives, for which we are grateful.
Left: A lovely photo of my sisters, Carol and Brenda. Right: Kessia's Garden picnic.
Geoff had a few days off work. On Monday, we collected Josh from school and went to Kessia's favourite cafe to have her favourite chocolate tart. We talked about special ways of remembering her and what we should do on Kessia's Sad Day. Josh told us he didn't like to talk about Kessia and "death" in the same sentence because it "made him get tears in his eyes".
On Tuesday, Geoff and I took Ciara to yum cha in honour of Kessia (but as my family said afterwards, Geoff and I would go to yum cha for any reason). We were the only ones left in the restaurant and music started to play. The song? Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven. We'd been alright up to that point, but the words "I must be strong and carry on..." seemed like a message from Kessia to us. And then the rain began to pour down in torrential sheets. The song was soon followed by "I will always love you". A similar thing happened on Kessia's birthday. We went to a cafe for breakfast and the first song of the day was "Happy Birthday to You".
Part of Joshua's special rememberances for Kessia involved having McDonald's, so that night he had a Happy Meal. I think we have an overemphasis on food!!
That night as we went to sleep, I said to Geoff wouldn't it fantastic if the three kids were all tucked in, snuggled up in their beds. That tomorrow would just be any other day for us. That we'd get up and go about our day as if it were no special day, that Kessia was soundly asleep in her bunk, and we were all normal people.
Left: At yum cha Right: Josh with his Happy Meal
On Kessia's Sad Day the boys started the day with pancakes. We met Andrew and Boney out at Kessia's Garden, where we had a typical Port Vila lunch which Kessia really loved --- pate, brie, french bread. We talked about how hard it is to imagine Kessia's body being buried there. Josh played and ran around lots. We went grocery shopping afterwards and later realised the actual time that Kessia died had come and gone. I cooked a yummy dinner and we gave the kids a bath.
It turned out to be a fairly ordinary day in the end. Nothing too special, apart from the fact that by the end of it, we were all still breathing two years after Kessia had stopped being with us.
Kessia's tree has lovely pink blossoms at this time of the year.
Left: Andrew and Boney laugh as Ciara tries to suck on a bread stick through the paper bag. Right: Our little picnic next to Kessia's grave.
Left: Josh tries out my breast pump! Right: Denise and Ciara
Geoff's
birthday on 28 February. Geoff now finds his birthdays one
of the most difficult anniversaries to mark off without Kessia. The
two of them had such a wonderfully strong, special relationship ---
Kessia really was "Daddy's little girl". I think not having
his little angel with him, to not have her hugs and kisses, her excitement,
her "Let's do something special for Dad!" is beyond sadness
for Geoff. He wouldn't celebrate his birthday if it wasn't for Josh.
Josh makes the unbearable bearable. He continues to be our joy and spark.
Kessia's
birthday on 26 March. Kessia would have been 9 this year. Geoff
and I appreciate that we have a niece, Chelsey, who is the same age
as Kessia --- in fact they were only nine days apart --- so we're able
to imagine some of the things Kessia would have been doing or been interested
in through what Chelsey does. But its so difficult. I find it almost
impossible to think of Kessia as a nine year old. Impossible? Unbearable
perhaps. It pains me too much to have to imagine what my little
girl would be doing now. I want the real thing.
To mark the occasion, we had a big party with all of Kessia's favourite
party foods. I cooked sausage rolls, mini quiches, chicken drumsticks
and tacos. We had asked family to donate money in lieu of a present,
and so we were able to send a cheque for $200 to the Gold Coast Hospital's
children's room to buy some toys. Kessia spent three nights at the hospital
the week she died --- we had ended up there when we traveled to the
Gold Coast for her Starlight Wish and her condition deteriorated even
further. 
